When i was growing up in the lush hills of my native country of Sweden the name Steven Spielberg meant something. Hearing the name Spielberg made me and my countrymen remember Indy Jones, ET Jaws. And then he blow our collective little minds with his movie magic with films such as Jurassic park, and saving private Ryan. Jurassic had my kid brother literary climbing the walls of our local cinema in sheer youthful terror at the sight of the realistic evil little lizards.
For my part Ryan was and is still one huge pile of greatness. The name Spielberg was a surefire way of knowing that you were going to be on one heck of a thrill ride when seeing one of his movies.
I mean Indy shooting that sword guy or harassing that poor Chinese midget? Classic! But somewhere along the line Spielberg must have suffered a stroke that has been kept quit or been abducted and replaced with one of them surrogates from Bruce Willis bleak masterful prophetic movie with the same name.
Cause this can't possibly be the same person can it? Can it? And if it can, then help us god...
What can you say about war horse that hasn't already been covered? Its a 2.40h blazing poop wave of sap and ham fisted acting.
Right from the start where Lupin somehow is alive again (and a bit of tool) forces jovial and lovable drunk Irish farmer into waving a bidding war over a horse.
Or as the movie war horse subtly puts it, the most super awesome honey dipped pantspeeingly amazing horse ever EVER! The horse plows a field, runs by a car which is puttering along at the neckbreakingly speed of 5miles per hour, but did not stop a burning child from crying or end poverty or won the dance audtion or even saved the rec center. So it did nothing that would warrant its status as a godlike being.
But i digress, wasn't my meaning to give a blow by blow of this either magnificent poop-storm of a movie but i can't help myself cause it got me really upset dang it...
I rented this movie, and it promised me the feelgood movie of the year, "a magnificent and gripping epic tale of friendship bravery and love" "Spielberg has done it again he has!".
But i really just hated it.
The horse Joey was said to change the life of everyone he meet. And did he ever? Two stout German youths with outrageous accents (why the hell were the Germans doing speaking English? i mean come on...)get shoot.
Then this prissy lil girl who was so sweet n cute and cutesy that my teeth ached has some cutesy scenes where somehow Joey the horse has them fooled of his godlike status by doing absolutely nothing.
Its a kinda of a bad movie when you feel a smile coming on when you hear that this little girl will die horribly of some sorta disease. Really? will we get to watch? please please please?? But no.
And don't get me started on the whole thing at the end when the evil salami maker is going to buy Joey for 30 pounds and the cute girls grandfather comes out of nowhere and offers 100pounds for it..and is prepared to sell everything to buy joey back.
This whole scene with its heartfelt speech made me gag on my own bitter cynical hateful bile. 100pounds? Really? 100? When all you had to do was raise to 35-40 pounds tops? Why does it have to be such grand gestures? Why does Spielberg try so overly hard (and sloppy) to try n pluck at our collective heartstrings? Its insulting to say the least.
To summarize, i saw an episode of fear factory few weeks ago where the contestants had to drink blended rats. I really think that would have made a more entertaining evening then watching Spielbergs latests mouth fart of a movie.
And what the heck was with that music? Do we really have to have 80 violins squeaking every scene to cramp the seriousness or whimsy of each scene down our collective necks?
Action / Drama / History / War
Action / Drama / History / War
On the outbreak of the First World War, Albert's beloved horse 'Joey' is sold to the Cavalry by his Father. After being sent to France, in a bid to survive, Joey has an unexpected journey across war torn Europe. Albert enlists in the British Army, and is wounded during the Battle of the Somme. Whilst recovering in Hospital, he learns of a Horse, found in no mans land.
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March 15, 2012 at 01:02 PM