Almost Human


Action / Horror / Sci-Fi / Thriller

Rotten Tomatoes Critics - Rotten 44%
Rotten Tomatoes Audience - Spilled 23%
IMDb Rating 4.6 10 2644


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June 06, 2014 at 04:11 AM



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Movie Reviews

Reviewed by Sankari_Suomi 4 / 10

Good idea, poor execution.

Written by Joe Begos. Directed by Joe Begos. Cinematography by Joe Begos. Edited by Josh Ethier. Starring Josh Ethier and Kristopher Avedisian.

The year is 1980-something. Seth is hanging out in the woods at night, just doing his thing, when suddenly weird stuff starts to happen. He flees to the house of his friend Marc, and begs for help. Marc is skeptical, and steps outside with a gun to confront... whatever.

Minutes later, Marc is abducted by aliens.

Two years pass. Marc is still missing, Seth is still hanging around town, and Marc's girlfriend is now engaged to some other guy. A pair of hunters stumble across a naked body in the woods, and it turns out to be Marc, who is very much alive but a little worse for wear. That's when the killing starts.

Bodies begin to pile up as the cast is dispatched with commendable variety: neck snapped; shotgun in the face; throat cut with knife; throat cut with hacksaw; shotgun in the back; axe in the head; scissors in the head; head crushed with a rock.

I might have missed a few, but you get the idea.

There's a tentacle rape scene that is so outlandish, the protagonist actually stops to watch it for a few seconds before making any attempt to rescue the victim.

Overall, this film was a wasted opportunity to make good on an excellent premise.

I rate Almost Human at 13.32 on the Haglee Scale, which works out as a disappointing 4/10 on IMDb.

Reviewed by Coventry 5 / 10

Welcome Back, Mark! How was your anal probe?

It seems like there exists an extremely strong desire among young and aspiring horror directors to travel back in time to the 1980s. Of all the "new" (2010 – 2017) horror movies I watched, almost half have of them either take place in the 80s or are a throwback in style and/or substance to that same decade. "Almost Human" is yet another example, set in respectively the years 1987 and 1989 and paying tribute to alien invasion and extraterrestrial body snatcher movies of that era. My guess is that these directors are nostalgic about their own youth and the classics that introduced them to the genre, and simultaneously they crave for making less complicated horror flicks in which they don't have to bother with cell phones, social media, internet, etc…

Speaking of young and aspiring horror directors, Joe Bigos is clearly an enthusiast genre fanatic himself and he undoubtedly watched all the classics as well as the obscure hidden gems worth seeking out; I'm sure of that. His film is straightforward and appealing, and he obviously gives priority to serving gore and entertainment rather than ensuring that his screenplay makes sense or doesn't contain any giant plot holes. During a dark October night in Maine in 1987, Mark got sucked into a flashy blue light that came out of the sky and he disappeared right before the eyes of his girlfriend Jen and best friend Seth. Two years later, the two are still flabbergasted about what happened but try to move on with their lives when they suddenly hear the news of a vicious murder spree in the area. Seth immediately suspects that his missing buddy is responsible for the killings, and indeed, Mark has returned! The alienated, brainwashed and – most likely – anally probed Mark axe- murders his way back to his old house, but he stores his victims in the shed where they go through a sort of rebirth process in a cocoon. It's probably best not to contemplate too much about all of the script's shortcomings, stupidities and senseless details… For example, what exactly is this alien race's intention? To cleanse and repopulate the world one person at the time, starting in some random hole up in Maine? What alien race, in fact? We never see any aliens or spaceships, we only see our buddy Mark. And if Mark really has been replaced by an emotionless alien parasite with an earthly mission, then why does he insist on returning to his old house and hook up with his former girlfriend again? Anyway, there are far more questions than the screenplay ever bothers to answer, but the good news is that there's a fair portion of gore and bloodshed to enjoy. The acting performances are so bad they become amusing again. Particularly the people in the supportive roles, like Jen's new lover Clyde, are in desperate need of some basic acting lessons. "Almost Human" is very short – less than 80 minutes – and at least it's never boring, so you won't have the impression that you wasted precious time watching it.

Reviewed by rorykcdunn 2 / 10

Like when five very unimaginative people are given a week to shoot a film

The only saving grace of this film is that all the awful people in it die in the end.

That's right, I put spoilers at the start of this review. This film deserves to be spoiled. It certainly spoiled me. My mood, my night, my whole week, drained from me as I literally counted seconds don while watching Almost Human.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love me some blood, bast, and boob movies to fill my time on a boring Monday evening. But the parts that make those movies so enjoyable are completely lacking here. Bad writing, bad acting, bad direction, all these one generally has to get passed to be a fan of the genre. But what really bothers me here is that this film is simply God damn boring. It doesn't even have a passing chance at tension. It's scenes are simply beat by beat, beat by beat. Nothing interesting, nothing evocative, nothing to hold the viewers attention. This film is simply a void.

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